Play sport

“Play sport,” she told him, as he lay there sleeping,
His belly like a jellyfish on heat.
“That blockage of the art’ry will come creeping
If now and then you don’t get on your feet.”

Inscrutable she was, like Mona Lisa,
So he heeded what his good wife has to say,
And now he’s very slim, but never sees ‘er,
The greatest round-world yachtsman of his day.

The Ryder Cup

The Ryder Cup does nothing to enthrall me,
It’s hard to cheer on Spanish, Brits and Swedes.
Europeans oftentimes appal me –
I’m underwhelmed by their titanic deeds.

Of course I want the Yanks to get a hammering.
It’s natural to wish they come to grief.
But allegiance to a continent? I’m stammering
To find the words to show my disbelief.

The downing of Kerry

Did Kerry believe they had just to turn up?
Perhaps, if they’re brutally candid.
But though they had one hand locked hard on the Cup,
The Tyrone lads caught them red-handed

The joy of show jumping

There’s a hush in the crowd
As the hooter blares loud
And the round resolutely commences.
And the rider and horse
Wend their way round the course
Trying not to knock poles down off fences.
And they clear the first three
With a joyful esprit
And ne’er an oul’ pole has been clattered.
Then a clunk and “Four faults!”
As a plywood brick bolts
And you know that their hopes have been shattered.

There’s an audible groan
But at home, on my own,
‘Going apeshit’ is putting it mildly.
And the more they knock down,
The more I go to town,
As I jump in the air, yelling wildly
For there’s no fun, I fear,
When the jumper goes clear –
Far better when Dobbin refuses!
When the rider’s thrown straight
In on top of a gate,
Now that’s when show jumping amuses.

Great skill round the course
On an elegant horse
Might well set the nerve-ends a-jangle,
But its better by far
When a hoof strikes the bar
And the two of them get in a tangle.
When the Queen’s only daughter
Fell into the water
Years ago at the Badminton trials,
Oh the laughter was long,
People burst into song –
‘Twas the best sporting moment by miles.